Domestic Violence: It Can Happen To Anyone

I have written previously about Domestic Violence and some of the key themes illustrated in the case of Rihanna and Chris Brown, particularly how men (or perpetrators of any gender) can hold each other accountable and  abusers’ claims of change. I was interested to follow up on the story by reading about Rihanna’s interview on  Good Morning America and 20/20.  You can view the video here:

What I want to highlight are some common feelings and issues for any survivor of domestic violence.

1.  Rihanna reported feeling embarrassed. Every survivor I have worked with has expressed this feeling, and often an accompanying belief that they are at least partially responsible for the abuse they received. This may something their partner/abuser has told them directly or something they have internalized from the experience itself. I believe this is partly due to how prevalent victim-blaming continues to be in our culture. No matter what, abusers are responsible for abuse. No one deserves or causes their own domestic violence. The shame does not belong with the victim.

2. Rihanna went back.  On average, victims of domestic violence attempt to leave 7 times before they are successful. I found Rihanna’s description of the going back process very telling and haunting:

You start lying to yourself. … This is a memory you don’t want to have ever again. … the physical wounds go away, you put it in the back of your head and you start lying to yourself subconsciously…

I do think dissociation can be part of what keeps the domestic violence cycle going. Often victims and perpetrators alike seem able to “block out” the incidents of violence and abuse after they are over.  Until the next time.

3. And finally, Rihanna is quoted as saying “This happened to me … it can happen to anyone”. My hope is that out of these highly publicized cases can come that awareness. Domestic Violence can happen to anyone. It happens in LGBT relationships too. Increasing this awareness is key so that no victim has to feel too ashamed to seek help.

I wish Rihanna continued healing and peace.

If you or someone you know is experiencing Dating/Intimate Partner/Domestic Violence help is available:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
• Choose Respect: an initiative to help adolescents form healthy relationships to prevent dating abuse before it starts.
• National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Kathleen Young, Psy.D.

Men Can Stop Rape

It would be hard not to be aware of the Richmond High School gang rape case. It seems like conversations and coverage of it are everywhere I turn of late.  Much of the coverage of this and most high profile rape/sexual abuse cases leave me frustrated. I have written before about our culture’s tendency to blame the victim and minimize trauma.  So I was pleasantly surprised to find the one I plan to share with you (in its entirety, because I want to have a record of it here).It focuses on what men can do to change the cultural climate that allows for rape and violence towards women.

Men Can Stop Rape:

mobilizes male youth to prevent men’s violence against women. We build young men’s capacity to challenge harmful aspects of traditional masculinity, to value alternative visions of male strength, and to embrace their vital role as allies with women and girls in fostering healthy relationships and gender equity.

The following is their letter published in PTA Magazine.

Everyone would agree that the gang rape outside Richmond High School was horrific. While this criminal act is particularly troubling because of the large number of perpetrators and witnesses, the incident should not be viewed in isolation. According to the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN), a sexual assault occurs every two minutes in the United States. In Men Can Stop Rape’s (MCSR) view, rape happens because we as a country have not committed to creating cultures of prevention focused on sexual and dating violence in our schools and communities.

If we pay attention to who commits rape, we see that the majority of assaults are perpetrated by men attacking women and other men. But the majority of men do not commit sexual violence and therefore are potential allies with women. By providing a blueprint for transforming bystanders into active agents of social change, MCSR mobilizes young men across the country to create cultures of rape prevention in their schools and communities.

What gets in the way of prioritizing the creation of these cultures nationwide? Victim-blaming, for one. We worry that people will hold the the young woman in Richmond accountable for her assault, especially since there were reports in the media that she had been drinking alcohol. No rape survivors are ever at fault for their assault, whatever the circumstances. To place responsibility on her is a way of diverting responsibility from the young men who committed the rape.

Outsiders typecasting sexual assault as occurring in communities with troubled youth serves as another way of not addressing rape as a social issue. In an October 28 Contra Costa Times article, one student is deeply disturbed that all the Richmond High students were described as animals in response to the assault. There were 400 students at the prom who did not commit rape. And there were female and male students who took steps to call the police. What enabled them to act in a humane manner? These students should be part of the story.

So, what can we do? First, we need an understanding of rape prevention that is broader in scope, that involves females and males, and that is based on respecting our cultures and ourselves. Historically, preventing sexual assault has been thought of in terms of females engaging in risk reduction, such as walking in pairs or dressing conservatively. For lasting change to occur, however, men and women can prevent sexual violence by challenging the attitudes and assumptions that dehumanize women. Atianna Gibbs, a recent Richmond High graduate, says in the October 28 Contra Costa Times article, “That could easily have been their sister, their mom. …Nobody deserves that.” Her comment suggests that it is easier to hurt someone who is of no importance to us than someone who is. This act of dehumanization is an attitude connected to rape and other forms of violence. Racist violence, gay bashing, and rape clearly all share this dynamic.

Fathers can serve as role models of healthy masculinity for their sons and daughters by treating everyone with respect and empathy. Mothers and fathers can discuss with their children what consent and healthy relationships look like. They can become involved with groups like PTA to work to ensure that there are multiple ways schools engage in creating a culture of rape prevention, such as classroom curricula, after-school groups, teacher trainings, and public education campaigns. Parents should support their sons’ involvement with youth programs that encourage healthy masculinity and relationships, like Men Can Stop Rape’s middle school and high school Men of Strength Clubs.

Through our clubs, young men choose to define their own masculinity by evaluating whether messages about manhood, like “don’t take ‘no’ for an answer,” play a role in creating unhealthy and unsafe relationships. They learn skills to speak out effectively when they see attitudes and behaviors that degrade women and girls. Club members translate their curriculum lessons into public education and peer education, uniting a wide cross-section of the community consisting of students, parents, educators, administrators, and business leaders. The young men in the club pledge to be men whose strength is used for respect, not for hurting.

If we want healthy cultures, empathy must occupy the center of a culture’s core, nonviolence must be a shared value, and everyone must matter. Men and women can prevent rape by sharing responsibility and by recognizing that if our cultures are going to be healthy, everyone must play a part in caring to make them so.

Patrick McGann, PhD, is vice president of communications for Men Can Stop Rape, Washington, DC.

Neil Irvin is vice president of programs for Men Can Stop Rape and a member of the Forrest Knolls PTA of Silver Spring, Maryland.

Kathleen Young, Psy.D.

Violence Unsilenced: Trauma and Bearing Witness

One thing I love about the Blogosphere is encountering sites and projects that inspire me and further my thinking about trauma and healing.  In the midst of my recently discussed  musings regarding connections, I discovered a new site that addresses the ideas of community support and witnessing: Violence Unsilenced. Part of what is damaging about abuse is the sense of isolation, of being cut off from and different from others.  The reality is that abuse is in fact a far too common experience and survivors may gain a sense of connection and further their healing by reclaiming their voices and telling their stories.  Keeping the secret of abuse only furthers the agendas of abusers.

To have a witness to the horrors that were once secret can be empowering.  I see myself as a therapist as serving in that witness role. Connecting to a larger survivor community can help too. The internet offers opportunities for survivors to connect in all sorts of new ways.  A caveat: as with in-person disclosure, it is important to work on making informed choices about who/which sites to trust.  Please be sure to check out sights/sources/online communities.  Run them by your therapist or get references from others you trust.

Violence Unsilenced has created a site where survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault can tell their stories in the context of an online community that bears witness and pledges to listen.

Read their mission in their own words:

This blog was created with the sole intention of shedding light on the epidemics of domestic violence and sexual assault by giving their survivors a voice. I believe one of the last hurdles to eradicating abuse is the culture of silence and shame that exists yet today. I believe that you have people in your life that are being abused, you just don’t realize it. I believe victims are led to believe they are alone, that no one will believe them, and that people will think less of them. I believe every situation is complicated and unique. I believe that every single survivor of abuse is different from his or her comrades, and that by sharing stories here we can educate the public as to just how pervasive domestic violence and sexual assault is, and how it crosses all cultural, racial, gender, sexual orientation, and socioeconomic lines. I believe this is society’s collective problem, not simply a problem of those directly impacted. I believe there are 70 million blogs out there, and that one in four women will experience abuse in her lifetime. I believe we who are active in the blogosphere have a responsibility to listen to our friends and to spread the word, so that we can strip abusers of this critical power.

Please keep in mind that reading the stories of others may be very triggering for survivors, so check in with yourself before and after.  If you have a dissociative disorder (like DID), think about how to check in with all parts of you, or make choices about which parts of you will view such information.

You can submit your story and/0r  take the pledge to support trauma survivors.

What do you think?

Would it further your healing to share your story with others?

Do you feel able to be a witness to the abuse stories of others?

Do you think that is important?

Why or why not?

Kathleen Young, Psy.D.

Connection Heals

I have written in previous articles about how crucial connection is and how we can learn to create positive relationships after trauma (including even creating families of choice).

I have also been thinking a lot about a unique type of connection: the therapy relationship. I have heard and firmly believe that a huge piece of what works about therapy IS the relationship.  Sharing your inner self (selves) and what makes you feel vulnerable in the context of a healthy relationship can be transformative.

That this is challenging for those who have already been betrayed and traumatized in the context of relationships is a huge understatement. Sometimes it may seem to trauma survivors that in order to heal they must do the very thing they fear most: trust someone else.

I am still gathering my thoughts about healing in the context of the relationship and therapy, so stay tuned for more on that!  In the meantime, a friend shared the following story and images with me. To me, it speaks to the drive for connection, how we can find it at times in unlikely places and that the capacity for love and trust can remain even after abuse and neglect.

The Story of Suryia and Roscoe

The orangutan was in a rescue and not doing well. This old hound wandered in absolutely emaciated and the orangutan snapped to like his buddy had arrived. He stayed with the hound night and day until he was well and in the whole scenario, found a reason to live. They are now inseparable.

Kathleen Young, Psy.D.