Dr. Kathleen Young: Treating Trauma in Chicago

No Name-Calling Week

January 27, 2010 · Leave a Comment

This is a bit of a tangent in the midst of my Learning to Love yourself series, but I need to make mention of this week:

What’s it about?

No Name-Calling Week is an annual week of educational activities aimed at ending name-calling of all kinds and providing schools with the tools and inspiration to launch an on-going dialogue about ways to eliminate bullying in their communities.

Name calling is a form of emotional abuse, no matter whether it occurs in the home or at school.  School bullying is a huge problem that recently seems to be getting the attention it desperately needs. I just came across another youth suicide story,  this time about a 9 year old committing suicide in school! I have no idea about the specifics in this tragic situation, but it made me wonder about a potential link to bullying. (Edited to add: I just read another article that states: There are rumors that he was bullied before).

I have written previously about other youth suicides linked to  anti-gay harassment and bullying. One of the common youth insults,  “that’s so gay” is not an innocuous phrase! For kids who are gay or being perceived that way (often because they don’t meet rigid gender role expectations) using gay as a slur is damaging. GLSEN, the sponsor of No Name-Calling Week, has developed a campaign to raise teen awareness about this phrase and issue, and it is working: Significantly More Teens Think ‘That’s So Gay’ is Wrong as GLSEN’s Ad Council Campaign Enters Second Phase.

Then again, maybe this isn’t such a derail from my current self-love theme! What if we also applied “No Name-Calling” to ourselves? What if for even one day we stopped calling ourselves the names we know are damaging to others?

For more information check out these anti-bullying resources.

Kathleen Young, Psy.D.

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Shame and Self-Blame After Trauma

January 25, 2010 · 12 Comments

One of my resolutions for 2010 is to write about learning to love yourself after trauma. In thinking about it I realized that I need to back up and talk about why self-love and compassion are so difficult for trauma survivors prior to and in the early stages of healing. I realized I needed to first say something about shame, self-hate and the tendency for survivors of abuse to blame themselves for the abuse.

self-hate

self-blame

self-esteem

self-love

What do we mean when we use these terms and how are they relevant for trauma survivors?

I have written before about how much we all need human connection  ( see: Family of Choice, Connection Heals, Relationships after Severe Trauma: Making Healthy Choices).

Our very sense of self  develops in the context of attachment to caring , “good enough” others. Trauma disrupts this attachment and results in the disruption of basic developmental tasks such as self-soothing, seeing the world as a safe place,  trusting others,  organized thinking for decision-making and avoiding exploitation. It also often leads to pervasive shame and self-blame.

In Trauma and Recovery, Judith Herman describes how the child’s development occurs within the context of relationship:

The developing child’s positive sense of self depends upon a caretaker’s benign use of power. When a parent, who is so much more powerful than a child, nevertheless shows some regard for that child’s individuality and dignity, the child feels valued and respected; she develops self-esteem. (p. 52)

In other words, a child growing up in such an environment, with their basic needs being met, learns to love themselves.

Many do not have this optimal experience. What about those who experience emotional, physical, sexual abuse or neglect? Early developmental tasks such as trust in self and others, autonomy and the ability to take initiative can be interrupted when the child’s needs are too often unmet. Trauma disrupts the  child’s development on a profound level.  Judith Herman describes how childhood trauma creates instead a “damaged self”:

Traumatic events violate the autonomy of the person at the level of bodily integrity. The body is invaded, injured, defiled.  …Shame is a response to helplessness, the violation of bodily integrity, and the indignity suffered in the eyes of another person. (p. 53)

In my experience, trauma survivors also at times describe feeling that their minds and spirits have been violated.

Abuse begets shame, the felt sense that one is innately bad. It can take the form of believing that you are defective, broken, unlovable, unworthy, stupid, ugly, worthless. In the case of trauma survivors it can also be expressed as blaming yourself for the abuse. In reality it is exactly the reverse! Abuse creates this sense of being bad.

In working with survivors of childhood abuse, it has certainly been my experience that one of the core effects of childhood trauma  is to the child’s developing sense of self.  This may be even more pronounced when the abuse is pervasive, sadistic and/or committed by primary caretakers or other trusted figures. So often survivors of childhood abuse and neglect grow into adulthood with the entrenched belief that they are to blame for what they have endured.

I want to say right now and very clearly that this is never the case. No child (yes, that includes you reading this!) is ever to blame for the abuse inflicted upon them by others. Period.

So why do so many feel this, on a gut level, with such certainty? I believe there are a number of factors and dynamics that contribute to self-blame.

1. Abuse is by its nature a humiliating, dehumanizing, experience. As described above, the natural reaction to such experiences is a feeling of shame.

2. The illusion of control: believing you are to blame can give survivors a sense of control, however illusory,  over the abuse. If you believe it happened because of something you are doing you can maintain hope for change.  If only you just figure out the right things to do/avoid doing the abuse will stop, you can imagine. It is terrifying to face the reality that you are powerless in the face of adults who were untrustworthy, out of control and abusive.

3. Many children are told directly  and repeatedly that they are to blame. This may happen during the abuse and also at the time of reaching out to others for help. This then gets internalized. Some may replay those messages over and over in their minds as adults, without even recognizing the original source. For survivors with dissociative disorders, some parts may even take on the role of internal critic, repeating and reinforcing the messages of the abusers.

4. Self-blame enables survivors to protect  abusers, thus attempting to maintain some sort of attachment with important others. This may be especially the case when the abusers were family members or significant people who had something to offer in addition to abuse at times.

5. Survivor self-blame is reinforced by our culture’s victim blaming.

So you can see there are lots of good reasons why survivors wind up blaming themselves for the abuse and carrying a long-term legacy of shame and self-loathing. Please be compassionate with yourself as you embark upon this topic! No need to blame yourself for your self-blame.

How does childhood shame and self-blame carry over into adulthood?

Why is it a problem?

Why is it so important to learn to love yourself?

And how do you get there?

These are all topics I plan to elaborate upon in coming posts. I look forward to your comments and questions. Once again, remember:

No child (yes, that includes you reading this!) is ever to blame for the abuse inflicted upon them by others. Period.

Kathleen Young, Psy.D.

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Resolving Resolutions: How Will You Begin the New Year?

December 31, 2009 · 4 Comments

This is the time of year when many of us think about making resolutions.

The diet industry would certainly like to sell us on the concept that this is the perfect time to resolve to lose weight, despite significant evidence about Why Diets Don’t Work and how they can in fact even be physically and/or emotionally damaging.

How does it serve us to start the year out with a focus on what we will not do? With focusing on the negative? On things that we deem wrong or flawed within ourselves?

what if instead we focused on what we can add to our lives? I like to think in terms of goals or intentions instead of resolutions. I believe there can in fact be power in the act of writing down our intentions. I’d like to encourage phrasing them in positive terms rather than negative. Think about what you can add rather than what you need to avoid or stop. The latter can set us up for feelings of deprivation, never a good motivator.

A Blog I have enjoyed following via Twitter, More of Me To Love suggests a revolutionary resolution for 2010:

I resolve to be more loving toward myself this year

What would it be like to adopt this resolution? Try repeating it to yourself now and see how it feels. Are you uncomfortable making this statement about yourself? If so, this is very likely an issue that needs your attention!

How would you behave if you were more loving to yourself? Would you stop some of the negative self-talk running through your mind? Would you treat yourself with the compassion you extend to others? Would you forgive yourself?

These are themes I intend to elaborate on in 2010. This is my “resolution”: to keep talking about how we can harness the power of love, self-love in this case, to continue healing from the impact of trauma.

Wishing you all a New Year full of healing and love.

Kathleen Young, Psy.D.

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World AIDS Day: Remembering Lucas

December 1, 2009 · 2 Comments

Today is World AIDS Day. The World AIDS campaign reports that more than two million AIDS related deaths reported globally in 2008 – two million children under the age of 15 now live with HIV.
Although no longer the only or even largest group impacted by HIV,  LGBT people are particularly stigmatized and targeted for HIV-related discrimination. For example, The Ugandan Parliament is considering a bill that allows for a seven year prison term for any person or organization who supports or promotes lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender people’s rights. It would jail for up to three years anyone who fails to report a person they suspect of being lesbian or gay. A person living with HIV who has consensual homosexual sex would face the death penalty, regardless of risk of HIV transmission and even if their partner is also HIV-positive. (Punitive Laws threaten HIV Progress, Human Rights Watch)
I heard a bit of the speech by the President of South Africa on NPR today that spoke an important message:

Together we can overcome this challenge.

Let today be the dawn of a new era.

Let there be no more shame, no more blame, no more discrimination and no more stigma.

This is a  day I think about all these things: the political issues, how access to prevention and care is still complicated by stigma.

But mostly it is a day I think about Lucas.

Lucas was my best friend, through college and beyond when we both moved to the same city. Even before we met mutual friends predicted we’d hit it off. And we did. He was creative and witty, a great dancer and and even better dresser. His sense of humor was dark and irreverent.  Because of Lucas I learned that I loved Thai food, indy films, disco dancing and thrift stores.

Lucas got sick in the 80s, when the epidemic was just beginning to be talked about. Long before successful treatments were developed. Many still believed gay men deserved this illness because of their “sinful lifestyle”. Ignorance and homophobia abounded and some folks were afraid to even be around someone HIV+ lest they catch it.

Sometimes I wonder how things could have been different, if our society had been more accepting back then, if we educated everyone about healthy attitudes towards sex and self-care. But mostly I try to focus on how grateful I am that I had Lucas in my life. I would surely be very different without him.

Today I think about and talk about Lucas; he is alive as part of me.

Remember those we’ve lost; celebrate and support the survivors.

Kathleen Young, Psy.D.

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